It’s 4 am and I can’t sleep, probably because I took a nap at like 6 pm. So instead of checking Facebook or that god damn OKCupid account (seriously it’s like candy), I’m going to start on a post that I’ve been wanting to write for a long time.
Dear Me, 3 Years Ago:
From the time you turn 18 to the time you turn 21, you will be miserable. You will spend your days wanting to punch something, and you will not think twice about how cold, hurtful, and bitchy you are. You will say things and do things because another person has come in and inhabited your body. You will hate your life, nothing will be good enough. Family members that you love will be taken from you. Your friends will abandon you. Your relationships will continue to go shit (and sadly, there’s no end in sight for that when you turn 21). You will drive people away, and find out how few people truly care about you. And this will make you even angrier.
You’ll want to inflict the pain that has been inflicted on you. You will want others to suffer, because no one understands what you’ve been through. And you will make this known to everyone. And in your darkest hours, you’ll wonder if life is even worth living.
And frankly, I’m not even sure how you got through that.
You’ll go to college and have the worst semester of your life. You’ll wonder why everyone else gets to have fun and you don’t. You’ll wonder why everyone else gets to have their perfect college experience, and only have to worry about things like what frat boy they want to hook up with next. You’ll get involved in a serious relationship, and then he’ll get too clingy. You will remain friends for a while, and then never talk again, but he’ll be a shoulder to lean on when you need one, and he will give you comfort.
And then you will decide to take the next semester off instead of going back to that hell hole known as Denton Texas. You will still be absolutely miserable, and remain incredibly bored. You won’t find a job even though you apply to like 10 places. And again, you will want to curl up in bed and not wake up. You will literally forget what it’s like to not be depressed, anxious, and alone and what it’s like to want to wake up in the morning.
That summer, you will move in with a good friend of yours. The girl who got you through the last summer, and stepped in as your best friend when the world was crashing down on you. By the end of it you’ll want nothing to do with her. She’ll get mad because she doesn’t understand, and that December you’ll make up. You’ll be a lifeguard for 2 more summers, and find solace in your new lifeguard friends.
And when you’ve had enough of your misery, you will say fuck it, move to San Francisco where you don’t know anyone, and start your life over. It will be the best god damn decision you ever make, and this city will literally save you from yourself. The first semester will be rough. You’ll be stressed out, and hate living in the dorms. You’ll get depressed about that. But you’ll meet wonderful people during the next year. Some will stay and some will go, but eventually you make peace with this fact and stop being bitter about those who leave you. You will find some very close friends, cling on to them for dear life, and they will get you through. Oh, and you’ll hate San Francisco for a really long time.
The next semester things will get easier, and for the first time, you will be sad to leave your new home. You will continue to branch out, explore, and go on new adventures even though some of your new friends have decided to leave and go back home. You will be happy, and for the first time in years, you will have a spring in your step, and an optimistic outlook on the world.
You will then have the worst summer of your life and go right back to square one.
And after that, you’ll find a great roommate and a great apartment in a great part of town. Everything will fall into place, except for your shitty love life, don’t forget that isn’t going to get any better! Your mom will get married again, and you will inherit 2 new adorable dogs and 2 step brothers. For the first time in your life, you will have that big, loud, obnoxious family you always dreamed of.
You will be happy. You will be ok.
And yes, you will still look this fabulous.